Scared to Life

Recently in my neck of the woods, there was commotion over a high school student at Heritage Baptist that was suspended because he decided to go to prom, where “Rock & Roll” music and dancing would be present. Story here.

Also, in Findlay, Ohio, I’ll have admit that something else has been sturring. That something is——-my soul.  [lol, that sounded kinda cheesy huh? Moving on...] Unlike at home, or while I was in college, when I come home…I’m alone.  No longer am I distracted in whether my roommates washed the dishes or whether my lil’ brother cleaned up his side of the room we share.   Nor am I any longer involved in situations in my family or college dorm room that would allow me to focus more on others…versus my own self.  Ya see…now when I come home, I can only preside over Justin.  And that’s new to me, believe it or not.  Now, I only have myself to judge and critique. And that’s new to me, too…believe it or not.

Being in this new environment that I once dreaded going to has allowed me to realize alot of things about myself. The most potent of these ‘things’ being habits and values that I’m not proud of. They have really brought to the full front. Life Lesson: It’s one thing to know you’re not perfect, stay content with that fact, and simply accept the “Oh, I’m just human” excuse/trap. But it’s a complete 180 to look up to God’s standard, humble yourself and realize how much farther you have to go to be ‘what you claim to be’ [which is a Christian].

I’ve encountered a lot of good Christian people and spiritual tests up here. People and test that have made me want to better, and know more. And without getting into all the stories of grace that have allowed me to grow, let me just sum it up and say that I’ve really seen a difference in only 5 months of pursuit of God’s Word.

And I’ll have to admit that for the first time, I’ve become fully conscious of sins. Every one of them.

And although I still sin daily….each sin stings more and more. And unlike I use to do, I can’t just brush them off like I did once before. I’m truly embarrassed and ashamed. And I’m finally realizing the magnitude of my sins and how that strays me away from God. It seems that although my body is still in its old habits, my spirit is seceded and calling it out!

But the bigger point I’d like to point out is that since these realizations from reading the Word,  I have to admit that I’ve become scared. Scared of missing salvation.

I’ve become more fearful of God’s power and God’s absence[damnation]. I know I have disappointed him, and that I will be judged.

It’s sort of like that feeling you got when you were a child in the backseat of the car, and you were on your way home.  And you knew as soon as you got home, you were going to get ‘whooped’/punished. The radio isn’t even turned on. You see nothing but your mother’s glaring eyes in the rear view mirror. I recall that being one of the worst feelings ever….anticipation of punishment.

“Reciprocity” Retraction

Introduction

reciprocity- a state or relationship in which there is mutual action, influence, giving and taking, correspondence, etc., between two parties.

Reciprocity was a relationship concept that evolved from a convo with some good friends.

This concept is based on the ideal that when you give something, you receive something. It alludes to the mantra, “Give, and you shall receive”. Most of my earliest debates on reciprocity were revolved around the courtship of relationships. Like most circles of friends, relationships come up in conversations….very often. And through my studies [ lol], usually the biggest issue revolved around reciprocity. It especially came up when you were in that phase of “feeling somebody out” and “dating”, and you’re trying to gauge how much they liked you. You know what I mean.

Some of the numerous ‘Reciprocity’ discussion points included,

• “If I call a girl, and leave a voice message, then she better do more than just text me back.”
• “It”ll be nice for the girl to pick up the check every once in a while.”
• “Just because you wine and dine me, it doesn’t necessarily mean I have to kiss you”
• …and so on.

My early definition of reciprocity wasn’t necessarily synonymous with ‘tit for tat’. It wasn’t so much about getting every phone call returned, or having a 1-to-1 “wall-to-wall ratio”. The essence of my reciprocity concept was feeling that the other person in the relationship/courtship was into you, as much you were into them. [A fear we all have at that early stage]

Being the young, hopeless romantic that I was, such a concept was an answer to my superficial prayers. It gave me something to gauge girls with, a talent that I felt I lacked. [<rolls eyes>, psh @ 'Hitch']

My idea of reciprocity was fun. It started alot of great conversations, table talk, and more so, it made me look like I knew what I was talking about.

Boy, was I off.

Confliction.

<disclaimer> I intend to loose half my readers in this section.

“Give and you shall recieve.”

Important phrase. Unfortunately, I think that it can place a misguided sense of anxiety and entitlement (i.e.)…

• “Gimme, Gimme”
• “When am I going to get mine?”
• “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”
• “I deserve…”

I’ve been reading The Purpose Driven Life, and it’s taught me to put God first. And I mean, really put Him first. And gradually…daily…I’m getting there. But during one the daily studies in the book, it made me question what I expected from others….versus what I expected from God.

Consequently, it helped me realize that I put too much pressure on people. As called out to me by a group of friends, I set up ‘tests ‘for people. And worst, I judge them. And I have no right do any of those things. But setting my own expectations of what others should be doing….as if I knew [ha..] is far outside my jurisdiction.

In the context of God, my expectations are negligible. And for so long…too long…I imposed them on others. In the context of everything we receive from Him daily, what I’ve been expecting from others was silly . With all that I’ve received from God, I’m in no place to enforce. I’m eternally indebted to serve His will.

<sigh>

[Thanks to those of you still reading]

The better you can reciprocate to God, the better you can reciprocate to others. The better you can love God, the better you can love others. When I really understood that, it humbled me. Receiving from others wasn’t nearly as important as receiving from God. Seeking others approval wasn’t nearly as important as seeking God’s approval. If at all.

<pause> I know you’ve probably heard that sermon a hundred times, and it was once over my head too. If anything, take it as my own affirmation.

<continue>

So you ask:

“So Justin, what in the world do I look for when trying to court someone?”

“Justin, Are you advising me to just give, and leave myself vulnerable to being stomped over.”

“How can you not calculate what you receive, isn’t it human nature?”

“You’re not making sense.”

<pause> Honestly, those were my own questions at some point during this reflection.

<continue>

Short Answer: I don’t know.

Long Answer: All I can say is that I believe that God guides me through every situation I’m in. That includes people. All I can do is stay in touch with God, and allow His will to be done. [Refer to God . It's outside my jurisdiction]

Although I know some of you have mixed feeling about Madea, but these statements make alot of sense to me now.

Creepy Child Movies

I thought I was the only one that was disturbed by such things.

Finally, I can embrace my pass fears.

Click here for blog link:

Might I add:

1. The Fox and the Hound (Disney had no right to make such a sad movie…)

2. Child’s Play (Screw you, Chuckie!)

3. Snufalafagous!

Culture for Sale

I know jingles have always been popular…

There’s something awkward to me about commercials that try too hard to appeal to a certain crowd. Just does.

Have you heard those new jingles released by the Texas Department of Transportation has this “Put Texas in You Corner” in order to encourage people to register their cars. They have several versions.

• General version
• Country version
• Spanish version
• Urban version

I think the Spanish version is my favorite. But they went “really far”, just to encourage drivers to get a sticker. I’m surprised a Gospel version hasn’t been released.

Address to the Friar Society

(Speech!)

Good Morning, Friars

I am very honored and glad to be here. And since I have heard of my acceptance a couple of weeks ago, I’ve had some time to reflect on this society that I have become apart of. According to our website [The Friar Society], friars are “distinguished by their vows of absolute poverty and renunciation of all worldly pleasures.”

From reading that, I have to admit to you all that I have a LONG way to go.

And I realize that the idea of “renunicating all worldly pleasures” may seem a little extreme for us, and I’m not going to try force everyone in hear to take that vow today, but I would like to talk about how worldly pleasures have affected me.

As far as SERVICE, I know that all of us in here have done good deeds for other people. Someone, somewhere, has been positively influenced, whether they know it or not, by our actions, our money, or our time. But despite my record of service, I know that I have a lot of more work to do towards being the best citizen that I can be, the best friar I can be. Even looking back at my work on campus, I can’t help but think of how much more effective I could have been.
So I ask myself:

What stopped me from expanding my tutoring programs to ensure that more high-school students passed the TAKs test?

What stopped me from mentoring more African-American male freshmen who I’ve seen first-hand get discouraged and eventually drop out of college?

What stopped me from taking the National Society of Black Engineers to next level in achieving our organizational mission?

Referring to what Friar Ratliff stated yesterday, the University of Texas has truly opened my eyes. Being at this University has allowed me to become more conscious of many of the worlds issues that have yet to be resolved. And it seems that the more I learn about the state of our community and its history….the more I learn about myself and what I care about.

I’ll have to say that one of the effects of learning such things is that it really matures you and shapes you further into the person you’re ultimately going to be.

Looking at the world, we all know there is a lot of work to be don Poverty, Hunger, Discrimination, etc. We all know this. I know this. But now what?

The “Whole Foods” Experience

Went to Wholes Foods [....saw alotta of peaches(Random, I know, but I had to... LOL)] and I have some reflections to share…

Remember the first time you went in Whole Foods. If you were raised anything like me, you would have been in awe. Yeah, I was in awe.

[Flashback music]

Growing up, grocery shopping was never a big deal, and not done all that much. I would go with my mom to Randall’s or Kroger’s or [if we really wanted a bargain, Foodarama. Like any other kid I would indulge with the complimentary cookie from the bakery section, fight with my sister over who would push the cart, try to sneak in my "private request" into the basket, or skim through comics in the magazine section. Eventually I grew into that teenager that simply just waited to hear the garage go up to help bring in grocery. [By the way, I always aimed to bring them all in with one trip...always]

College comes along and now I’m shopping for myself. And grocery shopping isn’t the most pleasant thing. HEB or Wal-Mart is always crowded. It’s hard to find help in the store. Parking sucks. If I wanted to, I’d complain about the fluorescent lighting and white tiles floors.

But I’m use to all that….that’s just how is it grocery shopping in the city.

Then upon advice and my ongoing quest to becoming a “homemade chef”, I went to Whole Foods. Allow me to share my first day:

1. I parked in the Whole Foods parking garage aside luxury vehicles galore.
2. I ride an escalator up to the ground floor.
3. I enter the cozy, wood-floor, interior decorated store and I’m greeted by several employees.
4. I ask for help from an employee about their vast selection of granola, and I was told everything I possibly needed to know about granola.
5. On every aisle I walk through I ran into many ‘Whole Foods patrons’ who are friendly and more than willing to talk about their passion for the food in that aisle. For example, i ran into a charming older couple that told me a story about how they met in ‘Whole Foods’ when they were both looking for the same kind of specialty pecans.
6. The policeman in the store looked like he came start out ‘Pleasantville’, whistling and smiling at everyone.
7. The cashiers were older, professional, friendly, and seemed like they enjoyed their job. I bet they have degrees.

More Political Videos…

One more week…

I’m just being messy now.

Erykah Badu: Soldier from New Amerykah

I listened to the CD, New Amerykah…but not too hard. However, it ain’t been the same since I saw Erykah at ACL.

Man, I’ll just let the song speak for itself.

“Soldier” Lyrics

Mmmmm
See he’s organized
And he’s on the ball
Never miss a day of school
And he’s a underdog
Wanna learn more and more
Cuz his mama taught him good
He’s about to change the face
Of yo ghetto neighborhood
Walking to school today
Saw a brother on the streets
Seem like errthang was cool
Cept the brother’s packing heat
Oop oop
Then everything changed
Cuz he saw his own wings
And his mother was sad
They will last
Time will past
Cuz I

What am I talkin’ bout
Errbody know what dis song’s about
Dey be trying to hide the history
But they know who we are
DO OO you want to see
Errybody rise to this degree?
Raise ya hands high if you agree
Just say Yessireeee ooooh,
Yessiree
If you agree say,
Yessireeeeee ooooohh,
Yessiree
Ugh
Come on
Ugh
Break it down say
Mmmm, mmhhh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, aaaye
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey

Now to my folks think dey living sweet,
Well dey gone f**k around and push delete
To the girls on perscriptions pills,
I know how ya feel
To my boys in iraqi fields
This aint no time to kill
To my girls in therapy,
See imma tell you this fo’ free
To my folks up on the hill,
With the cake and dollar bills,
You need to watch da dirty cop
Dey the one you need to watch
Im talking bout the dirty cop
Dey the one you need to WATCH
STOP

You get the wake up call
When you saw the buildings fall
Bowties with the final call
Get ya money dollar bill yall
Bowties with the final calls
Get ya money dollar bill yall

To my folks on the picket line
Dont stop til you change dey mind
I got luv fo’ my folks
Baptized when the levy broke
We gone keep marchin’ on
Until you hear dat freedom song
And if you think about turning back
I got the shotgun on ya back
And if you think about turning back
I got the shot gun on ya back
BLLAAAA (BLAT!)

What am I talking bout
Errbody know what dis song’s about
Dey be trying to hide the history
But they know who we are
Dooooo you want to see
Errybody rise to the NEXT degree?
Raise ya hands high if you agree
Just say Yessireeee ooooh,
Yessiree
If you agree say,
Yessiree hey,
Yessiree aye

Hey,hey,hey
Break it down say
Mmmm, ooooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey

Mmmm, ooooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey hey (shoop)
Mmmm, oooh
Hey aye

[Fade]

The David I thought I knew

When you think of “Heroes” in the Bible, who do you think of (besides Jesus)?

Some say Moses…

Some say Elijah…

If you asked me when I was a kid, I would have said David.

Bernini's David

However, I’ll admit that my knowledge of David, relative to his whole life, was sparce. Thanks, Mom and Dad for forcing me to go to Sunday School at 8:30AM all my life, but the entire story of David [in my 23 years of going to church] is not all covered.

So I read this passage the other day…

Church is Necessary

Long story short: I need church to say on the path of righteousness.

Without it, I’ve noticed that I fall away from Him. I find myself losing focus, taking things for granted….etc.etc.

Ever miss church….and feel it. It’s like a void…. You miss it one Sunday, and you feel that ‘lost’ for the rest of the week.

I find that many people justify not going to church, and I understand. I really do. Perhaps, I shouldn’t sympathize such a thing, but I find myself getting frustrated at church.

Sometimes the hype, the music, the sermon..ain’t enough. But as I’ve already eluded. It’s on me. If I’m deserted an island with a Bible, I should be able to get by. I don’t have much to write on this… but that’s just how it is. Without “Church” I drift…and depending on my temptations I drift hard.

One should allow “Church” to go beyond Sunday to keep themselves righteous. (I was saying that more so to myself, than you)

Ha…But I’ve made this point already.

I’m responsible for my own salvation

Sometimes, you just have to repeat yourself to actually get it.

Sometimes, you just have to repeat yourself to actually get it.

Sometimes, you just have to repeat yourself to actually get it.

I’m not big on “listing” reasons to serve the lord, but for those that have an analytical mind, check this out: Why should Christians go to Church?

And just cause I love devotion time in church (the most intimate part of service, for me), I’ll share this with you guys.