Scared to Life

Recently in my neck of the woods, there was commotion over a high school student at Heritage Baptist that was suspended because he decided to go to prom, where “Rock & Roll” music and dancing would be present. Story here.

Also, in Findlay, Ohio, I’ll have admit that something else has been sturring. That something is——-my soul.  [lol, that sounded kinda cheesy huh? Moving on...] Unlike at home, or while I was in college, when I come home…I’m alone.  No longer am I distracted in whether my roommates washed the dishes or whether my lil’ brother cleaned up his side of the room we share.   Nor am I any longer involved in situations in my family or college dorm room that would allow me to focus more on others…versus my own self.  Ya see…now when I come home, I can only preside over Justin.  And that’s new to me, believe it or not.  Now, I only have myself to judge and critique. And that’s new to me, too…believe it or not.

Being in this new environment that I once dreaded going to has allowed me to realize alot of things about myself. The most potent of these ‘things’ being habits and values that I’m not proud of. They have really brought to the full front. Life Lesson: It’s one thing to know you’re not perfect, stay content with that fact, and simply accept the “Oh, I’m just human” excuse/trap. But it’s a complete 180 to look up to God’s standard, humble yourself and realize how much farther you have to go to be ‘what you claim to be’ [which is a Christian].

I’ve encountered a lot of good Christian people and spiritual tests up here. People and test that have made me want to better, and know more. And without getting into all the stories of grace that have allowed me to grow, let me just sum it up and say that I’ve really seen a difference in only 5 months of pursuit of God’s Word.

And I’ll have to admit that for the first time, I’ve become fully conscious of sins. Every one of them.

And although I still sin daily….each sin stings more and more. And unlike I use to do, I can’t just brush them off like I did once before. I’m truly embarrassed and ashamed. And I’m finally realizing the magnitude of my sins and how that strays me away from God. It seems that although my body is still in its old habits, my spirit is seceded and calling it out!

But the bigger point I’d like to point out is that since these realizations from reading the Word,  I have to admit that I’ve become scared. Scared of missing salvation.

I’ve become more fearful of God’s power and God’s absence[damnation]. I know I have disappointed him, and that I will be judged.

It’s sort of like that feeling you got when you were a child in the backseat of the car, and you were on your way home.  And you knew as soon as you got home, you were going to get ‘whooped’/punished. The radio isn’t even turned on. You see nothing but your mother’s glaring eyes in the rear view mirror. I recall that being one of the worst feelings ever….anticipation of punishment.

I know about repentance.

However, shamefully enough, I think I’m scared because I know I’m still connected to the ‘world’. Therefore, I can’t wholefully repent. Shamefully enough, I’m not fully ready to let go of things that entice me to sin. [i.e. friends, music, media images, etc.]  Shamefully enough, I’m scared because I being to realize just how many people [of whom I know] are on the path to miss salvation as well.

And that realization is not as easy as it was for you to read it just now.  It humbles you. And It hurts… like H__ [pun intended].  Alsowhen you really realize that, it’s hard to live with. If you’re like me, you’ll be in limbo and never be stable, never at peace.

As “simple” as God makes it for us to recieve salvation, I feel like I’ve finally gotten ‘off the bench’ and started the battle to maintain it.

I guess you could say that I’ve finally gotten a spiritual perceptive of where I need to be. But I sure have a long way to go, and boy do I have a mess to clean up.

I’ve been living off the wrong standard.  I’m been living off this, “You’re a good guy, Justin” compliment and I have allowed that to make me content with my habits and values. Even look ing back at some of my past posts, I can only shake my head in humility at where my mind was at.  But I pray that one day all of those spiritually immature [ and secularly grounded]  post will eventually serve as a testimony to how I’ve grown in the Lord.

I’ve heard and read of all these experiences that people have had in which they have been touched by Jesus.  And I desire that. So much.  And I’m realizing that living this American Dream with a job, an apartment, a car, and a retirement plan isn’t the real deal. It’s a means for a purpose I have yet to find & fulfull.

And for the record… I didn’t just wake up and have this revelation. Gradually…this realization has crept up on me. And the way it’s been able to do that is through me seeking the irrifutable ‘truth’ [The  Word/Bible]. ‘No, I can’t say that I’ve noticed a change instantly’, but from reading the Word, ‘marinating’ in the Word, and being put in situations in which I’m tested to live it out, I feel that I’ve spiritually matured.

This post is simply a share. I wish I could site this post with scriptures, link, and such…… but it’s more so of a testimony than a “lesson”.  But let me end in a formal conclusion of what I’m trying to get across [because I know I'm coming from alot of angles]:

I sought the Truth consistently, and everyday, the Truth is becoming more apparent to me [as promised in John 8:31].

And that verse is so amazing and true for me. Henceforth, I realize how much I have to learn, to sacrifice, to give, to forgive, etc. 

The Tower at the University of Texas at Austin reads [Can you find it?],

“Ye shall seek the truth, and the truth shall make you free” 

 

I appreciate you reading this, and for my friends, I look forward to working with you towards salvation.

Extras:

• Jesus is Love
• Whether this man’s testimony is true, he serves a powerful point that Hell is real 
• God is Tryna Tell You Something

~ by justinfication on May 13, 2009.